Today my mind told be to start a diet regime in the future. Monday to be precise. But it also told me to eat a lot today and I listened and I did as I was 'told'. To eat all the cookies I baked, chocolate etc because I was cutting these things out from my diet, I wont have them again for awhile, so even though my tummy was hurting and I wasnt enjoying these 'treats' my mind told me to eat them up so I wont miss them when they were gone and I listened and did as I was 'told'.
This mind also told me that I now weigh 166lbs and soon I'll be 170lbs hence only 10lbs away from my intial weight when I joined MFP. I listened, I believed and I panicked, I felt fear and helpless. Helpless to the 'inevitable' that soon, in this hopeless vicious cycle, my cruel mind will take me to the place I dreaded the most.....depression, lots of fat, unhappiness, helplessness, loneliness....its inevitable my mind tells me, I have no choice. And of course my mind is true right? it tells me the truth? it looks out for me? it is me??? it controls me?
Then I discovered today that my mind and i? we are separate. We arent one....and here is the amazing thing.....i can learn to quiet that mind when I want! Which also means, I never have to listen to it again, everything its said today could be false and its not the gospel and it isnt me. Even better, when my mind is quiet, I can discover who I really am, I can find the happiness within, the calmness within not that horrible voice that keeps telling me to believe I am not, and I'll always struggle with food, the voice that contradicts itself and has a hate/love very destructive relationship with me.....how do i know that? because when i eat salads, when i eat clean, i feel great! i feel good.
I welcome the beginning of enlightenment, i like the possibility of shutting off my mind, of being free from it....
